Newsgroups: rec.humor
Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!csd.unb.ca!news.ucs.mun.ca!cs.mun.ca!paulk
From: paulk@cs.mun.ca (Paul E. King)
Subject: CANONICAL LIST OF SOVIET JOKES (communist, pre-breakup)
Message-ID: <1993May6.171046.29580@cs.mun.ca>
Sender: usenet@cs.mun.ca (NNTP server account)
Organization: CS Dept., Memorial University of Newfoundland
Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 17:10:46 GMT
Lines: 740

#Below is  a list, in LaTeX format, of Soviet/Communist jokes.
#There are 11 pages, not counting the title page. The LaTeX file was
#a bit of a rush job, but I'm sure you can improve on the formatting.
#It is broken up into 2 chapters -- one list attributed to Steve Cohen,
#and the next chapter a miscellaneous assortmant of commie jokes.
#From what I hear, most of these are made up by the Soviets themselves.

\documentstyle [fullpage] {book}
\pagestyle{empty}
\pagenumbering{arabic}

\title{Canonical List of Soviet Jokes}
\author{Compiled by: Paul King \\ paulk@garfield.cs.mun.ca}

\begin{document}

\maketitle

\chapter{Soviet Anecdotes, compiled by Steve Cohen}

The following material comes from Stephen F. Cohen, Professor of
Politics at Princeton University.  He teaches the very popular "Soviet
Politics" course here.  Each year, he has a "joke" lecture in which he
tells about anecdotes and jokes that come from the Soviet Union.  As he
put it, there's one on about every subject of Soviet life.

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+\newline
Steve Cohen  -  Soviet Anecdotes  -  As told on December 1, 1987\newline
\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

When all is said and done, though, the real articulation of popular
opinion is the form that the Russians call the anecdote. Once there was
a law against anti-Soviet anecdotes. That was no joke.  Though quickly
there was a joke about it:
 
F.D.R. and Stalin met, and F.D.R. boasted that he was so popular in
America that a book of jokes about him had been published.  Stalin said,
"That's nothing - I have 10 campfulls."
 
\verb+-----+
 
Nowadays, though, the anecdote is told everywhere. It's the equivalent
of the "Soviet High Five". It's representative of friendship and
astuteness and knowledge of common affairs. They're a commentary on
Soviet life - and are made up amazingly quickly:
 
Living in Moscow in 1977, there was a report on the short-wave radio
that some Soviet musician had defected in New York.  The NEXT DAY,
somebody said to me, "You know what a Soviet trio is?   --  A Soviet
quartet returning from New York."
 
\verb+-----+
 
Brezhnev was thought not to be too bright.  He comes to address a big
Communist party meeting, and starts:
 
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
 
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??"   Brezhnev tried again...
 
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
 
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them
Imperialists?  Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to
the speech for Brezhnev.  "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
 
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
 
\verb+-----+
 
You might say that Soviet jokes tend to be political, because of the
nature of their lives, while American jokes tend to be sexual.  Does that
tell us that the Russians have more political problems than we have?
Probably.  Does that tell us that we have more sexual problems than the
Russians?  Hmmm...  Probably not.
 
\verb+-----+
 
A friend of mine once told me an anecdote, which I then told Gorfinkle over
there, and Gorfinkle didn't think it was funny.  The punch line of the
anecdote - which had to do with life in the army - was that the Soviet privates
were sent out to paint all the grass on the base green.  I thought it was
very funny.  He didn't.  I said, "Why don't you think it was funny,"  to
which he replied, "because when I was in the army, we always painted the
grass green."
 
\verb+-----+
 
There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's speeches ran 6 hours
is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy.  In fact, there
was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia
to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on
culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.
 
\verb+-----+
 
A man, in 1937, as Stalin's terror was raging through Moscow, packed his bags
every night before he went to sleep, in case he should have to escape. Finally,
one night, sure enough.  KNOCK!  KNOCK!  He gets up out of bed, kisses his
wife, takes his bag and leaves.
 
A few minutes later, he's back.  Wife looks at him, "What happened?"
 
"It's absolutely nothing," he replies. "Just the house on fire."
 
\verb+-----+
 
Stalin is addressing a large meeting.  It's the bad years of the terror.  He's
delivering a report about enemies, when suddenly, in the back, somebody
sneezes.
 
"Comrades - who sneezed?"  yells Stalin.    No one answers.
 
"Shoot the first row," he says to his body guards.  "Now, who sneezed?"
When no answer is given, he repeats the process over and over again, taking
out row after row.
 
Finally, with just a couple of rows back, a man raises his hand.
 
"Comrade Stalin," he says weakly, "I sneezed."
 
Stalin turns to him and says, "Gazunthite."
 
\verb+-----+
 
Late 1940's - the Soviet Union in the late half of life was claiming it had
invented the world.  Stalin receives a report that Soviet archaeologists have
discovered the remains of what might be the mighty warrior Ghengus Khan.
 
Stalin was excited, but was told he had to wait before the results cold
be certain.  Stalin cabled "Patience run out.  Need report."
 
Next day, a report comes back saying that the mummy was, indeed, Ghengus
Khan.  This is heralded all over the Soviet Union, and the archaeologists
are given a banquet.  One of their companions asks them how they were able
to determine, beyond any doubt, that the mummy was indeed
Ghengus Khan within such a short time.
 
"It was simple," replied the archaeologist.  "The mummy confessed."
 
\verb+-----+
 
It was decided to build in a Siberian town a statue of Lenin.  The party boss
told the monument factory to build a well-known, famous sculpture of Lenin.
So the work commences - a statue of Lenin addressing the crowds will be
made.
 
Later, the party boss returns as the work is being done, and he notices that
Lenin lacked a hat.
 
"We can't have Comrade Lenin standing in the Siberian cold without a hat
on him.  Put one on his head."
 
"But, Comrade- " the sculptor started.
 
"No buts.  Put a hat on him."
 
So came the day of unveiling - and there was Lenin, a hat on his head...
and another one in his hand.
 
\verb+-----+
 
In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when
the Vodka shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the
Vodka shops."
 
It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the ruble
and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go."
 
\verb+-----+
 
When Jimmy Carter came up with the idea of the neutron bomb (to kill people
but leave buildings standing), I wasn't sure what the logic was - I mean,
what was the use of all these buildings if no body was around to use them.
But the serious drinkers of the Soviet Union thought it was a wonderful idea.
 
"Just think of it," they said, "a full liquor store and no lines!"
 
\verb+-----+
 
What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
 
Well, under Capitalism, you have the exploitation of man by man.  Under
Socialism, it's the other way 'round.
 
\verb+-----+
 
"Comrades, we have established beyond a doubt that it is possible to build
socialism in one large country - like the Soviet Union.  But is it possible
to built it in a very small country, say, Switzerland."
 
"Of course it is - but what have you got against the Swiss?"
 
\verb+-----+
 
1950's.  Khrushchev receives an urgent cable from Mao:
DEAR COMRADE KHRUSHCHEV. CHINESE PEOPLE STARVING. SEND FOOD.
 
Khrushchev cables back:
DEAR COMRADE MAO. REGRET STARVING CHINESE. HAVE NO SURPLUS
FOOD. TIGHTEN BELTS.
 
To which he receives the following reply from Mao:  SEND BELTS.
 
\verb+-----+
 
 
It tuns out that God is deeply depressed.  He sits on a cloud and mopes.
 
So, St. Peter calls in Freud.  "Sigmond, could you have a look at God?"
 
Freud comes back.  "I'm afraid it's very serious.  God is suffering delusions
of grandeur - he thinks he's Stalin."
 
\verb+-----+
 
Brezhnev was invited to come to Poland.  Tensions were strained, so Brezhnev
wanted to bring a gift to the Polish comrades.
 
"Lenin once lived in Poland," someone suggested, "why not have a picture of
Lenin in Poland."
 
So, they get a modern jewish dissident painter who had just been arrested
to paint the picture.  When he finished it, it showed a naked man and
woman having sex.
 
Brezhnev is enraged.  "In the name of Karl Marx - who is that naked woman?!"
 
"Well, that's Lenin's wife."
 
"And who's that naked man?"
 
"That's Trotsky."
 
Brezhnev was insensed.  "Where the hell's Lenin?!"
 
To which the painter replied, "He's in Poland."
 
\verb+-----+
 
A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling
"Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!"
 
He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 5 for
revealing a state secret.
 
\verb+-----+
 
Brezhnev called in all the Soviet cosmonauts, and in an effort to surpass the
U.S. in the Space race, said, "Comrades, I have a plan to overtake the U.S.
in Space exploration - you will land on the sun!"
 
"But Comrade Brezhnev," they complained, "we'll burn up!"
 
"Do you take me for a fool," he asked, "you'll land at night!"
 
\verb+-----+
 
Chernynko was dying from the moment he was in office.  Rumors circulated that
he was dying.  A Soviet spokesman went on TV to dispel the rumors.
 
"Comrade Chernynko is in good health.  At exactly 7:00 each morning, he
wakes up, and 7:15 he urinates, and at 7:30, he gets out of bed."
 
\verb+-----+
 
There were so many state funerals between 1982 and 1985 that when a guy
approached Red Square for one of them, and the cops stopped him and asked
if he had a pass, he replied, "Hell, I've got a season ticket!"
 
\verb+-----+
 
Who in the politboro supports Gorbachev?
 
- No one, for he can walk by himself.
 
\verb+-----+
 
Is it true that the American capital people are on the edge of the abyss?
 
- Yes, they are on the edge of the abyss, looking down to see how we live.
 
\verb+-----+
 
Brezhnev was being shown the Soviet pentagon.  At the end of his tour, he
noticed a red door.  "What's in there?" he asked Nixon.
 
"Oh, that's a secret," Nixon replied.
 
"But you promised to show me everything, Dick!" whined Brezhnev.
 
"Okay," agrees Nixon, and takes a key out of his pocket and opens the door.
Inside is a red telephone.
 
"What's that?"
 
"It's a hot-line to Hell," replies Nixon.
 
"No way," says Brezhnev, "I don't believe you!"
 
"Try it," replied Nixon.
 
Brezhnev picks up the phone, and a voice answers:
 
"Hi! It's the Devil! This is Hell!"
 
Brezhnev is shocked and hangs up the phone, but as he's leaving, Nixon says,
"That'll be \$55 for the phone call."
 
"\$55!" exclaims Brezhnev, "why so expensive - but what the hell, here."
 
Brezhnev goes back to the Soviet Union and yells at his generals.  "You idiots!
You know what the Americans have?  A hot-line to hell!  Why don't we?"
 
"We do," they reply, and show him a similar door with a phone.  He picks it
up and sure enough - "Hi! It's the Devil! This is Hell!"
 
As he hangs up, the general says, "That will be 2 Copeks, Comrade."
 
"Why so cheap?  In America it was \$55!"
 
"That's because here it's a local call."
 
\verb+-----+
 
It's almost impossible to get tickets to the theater.  A woman is there one
night, and next to her is an empty seat.
 
MAN NEXT TO HER:  I've never seen an empty seat before - why is one there?
 
WOMAN: It's a sad story. We ordered these tickets two years ago, and my
       husband just died the other day.
 
MAN: How sad... But why didn't you give them to a relative?
 
WOMAN: I would have, but they're all at the funeral.
 
\verb+-----+
 
After a round of talks, Nixon and Brezhnev drink a little vodka and get into
a discussion.
 
NIXON: I hear you have a lot of drunks in the Soviet Union.
 
BREZHNEV: Not so!  That's capitalist propaganda!
 
NIXON: No, I'm sure of it.  You have a lot of drunks!
 
BREZHNEV:Nonsense. I'll prove it. You can go out at any hour of the night
         tonight, and I'll give you a machine gun.  If you see any drunk
         you can kill him!
 
NIXON: Ahhh! Very good...  (Evil smile)
 
That night, at 1am, Nixon decides to go out. Brezhnev phones Andropov, who
is head of the KGB, and tells him to get all the drunks off the street.
So Nixon and Brezhnev go cruising around Moscow, Nixon carrying the machine
gun in his lap.  They drive for two hours - and not a single drunk.  Nixon
is in the throws of despair, and they are about to head back in, when he
spots one lone drunk - staggering everywhere - who has escaped the dragnet.
 
Nixon rolls down the window and blows the guy away.
 
Three months later, Brezhnev comes to the U.S., and after negotiating with
Nixon, they have some Vodka again.
 
BREZHNEV: Dick, I hear you Americans are a bunch of drunks.
 
NIXON:   Not true. We're hard working people.
 
BREZHNEV: That's not what I heard. I want the same deal I gave you, machine
         gun and all.  At 1:00.
 
So Nixon calls the police and the FBI and tells them to get all the drunks
off the road.  The two of them go cruising around in a limo, Brezhnev with
a machine gun on his lap.  Three hours - absolutely nothing.   Brezhnev was
tired and says, "Okay, Dick, you win.  I'm tired.  Let's go home."
 
Suddenly, as they're heading back to the White House, they see a group of
11 people walking down the street, blitzed out of their minds.
 
Belated, Brezhnev rolls down the window and blows them all away.
 
Headline next morning in the Washington Post:
 
            FANATIC KILLS ENTIRE STAFF OF SOVIET EMBASSY!
 
\verb+-----+
 
Gorbachev wakes up the morning after he has been elected the new General
Secretary.  He rolls up his shades and looks up at the sun.  Happy at having
attained his new position, he says, "Hello, Sun!" and smiles.
 
Well, the Sun answers back! "Greetings to you, General Secretary, and glorious
tidings to the wonderful members of the Central Committee of the Soviet Union."
 
Gorbachev blinks, and rubs his eyes.  Again he calls, "Hello, Sun!".
Same reply.
 
This is too much... Gorbachev calls all the members of the Central Committee
and tells them all to get to Moscow to hear something fantastic.  By
late afternoon, they all arrive, and Gorbachev shows them up to his room and
points to the sun, which is now setting.
 
"Now watch this," he says.  "Hello, Sun!"
 
To which he hears: "Fuck you, Gorbachev!  I'm in the West now!"

\chapter{Assorted Soviet Jokes}

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

  So Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time
to impress his ancient mother.  He sent his private helicopter out to
the small town where she lived to pick her up.  He met her with a 
fleet of limos in Red Square.

  So, mama.  It's good to see you here in Moscow!  Come, we eat!

  She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
limo.  He took her to the best restraunt in town, where they were served
by an army of waiters.  The food was superb, the wine the best money
could buy.  She said nothing.

  You like the dinner?  Come.  We fly to my Dacha for drinks.

  The chopper picked them up and delivered them to the steps of a 
magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city.  Waiters
in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
best Cognac and liquor available.

  They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.

  So, mama.  You don't say anything.  Aren't you proud of your
little Miki?  Haven't I done well?

  She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.

  Miki, baby.  Is wonderful time I have here.  Helicopters are so
grand to fly in,  Food is best I have ever tasted.  And this, A dacha?
This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.

  Yes, Miki.  Is wonderful.  I am happy for you.  But Miki, Baby.
What if the communists return!

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

    One Pole: Are the Russians our friends or our brothers?
    Second Pole: I give up.
    First Pole: Our brothers - you get to choose your friends.

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

    Why is Communism like flying in an aeroplane?
    You see the glorious horizon approaching but the longer you fly,
    the less the glorious horizon seems to approach, you feel sick,
    and you can't get out.

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

    Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal
    Assistance.
    Czech:  Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked
        me down and took my Russian watch.
    Desk Sergeant: Come again?
    Czech:  Are you deaf?  Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier
        knocked me down and took my Russian watch.
    Desk Sergeant: You're confused.   It was a Russian soldier who
        knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.
    Czech:  Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

    Kruschev is at a political dinner, and a young hopeful from Gosplan
    is giving a speech about tractor production which is going on for ever.
    In true Russian fashion, K. spears his steak on his fork, picks it
    up, and starts to nibble around it.
    Nina, (Mrs K), is horrified, and hisses "Nazhom, Nikita, nazhom!"
    ("Your knife, Nikita, use your knife!")
    Nikita answers, "Why, what did he say?"

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

    Small boy:    They were telling us at school about the difference
        between Socialism and Communism.   How will we know when
        Socialism has been achieved, and we are in the state of
        true Communism.
    Mother:        When every family has a private plane.
    Small buy:    Wow!   And what will we use ours for?
    Mother:        I was thinking if flying down to Kiev to see if
        they have any butter this week.

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

	Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later
(Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the
doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms. 
Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
what I see! 
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

     A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car.  He sits down
with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options. 
The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years.  The man wants to
know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon.  The car dealer
is a bit surprised, "Why do you care?  It's ten years away."  "Well the plumber
is coming in the morning."

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt were riding in a limo, when they happened
to look back and notice a huge ugly monster was chasing them.  Hoping to 
persuade it to go away, Churchill rolled down his window and tossed out 
all the money he had, about 10,000 pounds.  The monster picked it up, 
sniffed it, then tossed it aside and continued to pursue the limo.  So
Roosevelt opened his window, and tossed out \$100,000, with a gold money
clip he'd gotten from Rockefeller, and his \$1500 gold watch.  The monster
picked up the bundle, sniffed it, sneered and continued to pursue the limo.
So comrade Stalin pulled out a pen and paper, scribbled a short note, and
tossed it out the window.  The monster read the note and came to a screaming
halt (a la buggs bunny, smoke from the heels), turned around, and ran the 
other way.  Well of course, the other world leaders wanted to know what
Comrade Stalin had written in the note.  "Simple", he said.  "I wrote,
'This is the road to Communism'."

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor. 

"The one worry I have", says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will", says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so", says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?".

"No problem", says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:

	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million US dollars

	The Jews will do *anything* for money!". 
Off goes the message and the politburo waits...

Finally a telegram comes:
	"NO THANK YOU STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY STOP"

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

Stalin is dying, and summons Komrad Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Komrad, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice."

"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.

Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely - don't open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going bad, open
the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY bad, open the second one." And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.

Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going bad - unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said
was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization
campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the
present system, and bought himself some time that way.

But things continued on the downslide - Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet
missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more,
the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like
Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after
much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.

All it said was: "Write two letters."

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

\begin{centering} A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE \end{centering}

\begin{itemize}

\item[SOCIALISM] - You have two cows.  The government takes one to give
	to someone else.

\item[COMMUNISM] - You have two cows.  The government takes both and gives
	you the milk.

\item[FASCISM] - You have two cows.  The government takes both and sells
	you the milk.

\item[NAZISM] - You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.

\item[BUREAUCRACY] - You have two cows.  The government takes both, shoots one
	and pours the milk down the drain.

\item[CAPITALISM] - You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

\end{itemize}

\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book.  A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.

"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.

She replies,  "I am old, and I will die soon.  I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."

The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going
to?"

The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay.  I
already speak Russian."


\verb+----------------------------------------------------------------+

Borrowed and modified from Arkady Shevchenko's  autobiography.

        A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot!
Gorbachov's an idiot."  Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until
they   finally caught him.  They immediately took him to court where the
judge decided on his sentence.  The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years
and seven days in  jail.  Two days for disturbing the peace,  five days for
insulting the leader,  and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!

\verb+-----------+

     An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district,
and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season,
comrade?" he demanded.  "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our
potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!"  A bit taken
aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there
is no God."   Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't
any potatoes, either."

\verb+-----------+

     "In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news."
I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is
news.  The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.

\verb+-----------+

     Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out
in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the fundamentals
of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department
was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...
\begin{itemize}
\item[Official:] So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each
   according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
\item[Farmer:] (confused) Nyet...
\item[O:] OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
   give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
\item[F:] (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
\item[O:] And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
   man who has no tractors. Da?
\item[F:] (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
\item[O:] And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
   cheekens. Da?
\item[F:] Nyet! Iz not good!
\item[O:] Vy iz not good?
\item[F:] (Despondently) I have two cheekens...
\end{itemize}

\verb+-----------+

     A badger is quietly walking through Red Square.  He sees two rabbits,
running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
\begin{itemize}
\item[Badger:]  "Wait!  Why are you running!?"
\item[Rabbit 1:] "The KGB is arresting all the camels!"
\item[Badger:] "But you're rabbits!"
\item[Rabbit 2:] "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
\end{itemize}

\verb+---------------------------------------------------------------+

	Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "Go to hell" in such a way that
he looks forward to the trip.

\verb+---------------------------------------------------------------+

	A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use "communist" in
a sentence.  She said "My cat just had a litter of kittens and they are
all communists".
	A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word
"capitalist" in a sentence.  She said:  "My cat had a litter of kittens and
now they are capitalists".
	The teacher was shocked and ask what had happened to the kittens.
The little girl responded: "Well the have opened their eyes now!"

\verb+---------------------------------------------------------------+

Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.

        "What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked 
Shevardnadze.

        Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours."

        "Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here."

        "Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze.

\end{document}
-- 
Paul King             |Dislaimer: All opinions are my own. Standard 
paulk@arlene.cs.mun.ca|           diclaimer applies.
Memorial University   +---------------------------------------------------------
Food Science          | "I Stand behind all of my misstatements." - Dan Quayle

